(A stock drawing of a First World War trench scene - barbed
wire against the sky with a helmet stuck on a bayonet.)
Voice Over: (and caption) 'IN 1914, THE BALANCE OF
POWER LAY IN RUINS. EUROPE WAS PLUNGED INTO BLOODY CONFLICT. NATION
FOUGHT NATION. BUT NO NATION FOUGHT NATION MORELY THAN THE ENGLISH
HIP HIP HOORARY! NICE, NICE YAH BOO. PHILLIPS IS A GERMAN AND HE
HAVE MY PEN'
Different Voice Over: (and caption) 'START AGAIN'
Voice Over: (and caption) 'IN I914, THE BALANCE OF
POWER LAY IN RUINS...'
(Mix through to close up of a harmonica bring played by a British
Tommy. CAPTION: 'YPRES 1914' The camera pulls slowly out, with the
plaintive harmonica still playing, to reveal the interior of a
bunker in the trenches. Sitting around on old ammunition boxes etc.
are the harmonica player, Private Jenkins, Sergeant Jackson, a padre
with no arms, a sheikh, a Viking warrior, a male mermaid, a nun, a
milkman and a Greek Orthodox priest. Sounds of warfare throughout,
shells thudding, explosions etc.
Sergeant: (looking round rather uncomfortably at the
strange collection) Jenkins?
Jenkins: (equally uncomfortable about playing such a
tender scene in front of sheiks etc.) Yes, sir.
Sergeant: What are you going to do when you get back to
Jenkins: I dunno, surge... I expect I'll be looking after
me mum. She'll be getting on a bit now.
Sergeant: Got a family of your own 'ave you?
Jenkins: No, she's ... she's all I got left now. My wife,
Doreen ... she ... I got a letter...
Sergeant: You don't have to tell me, son.
Jenkins: No, sarge, I'd like to tell you, see this place
(Cut to long shot of bunker. Floor manager strides on to set.)
Floor Manager: Hold it. Hold it. Look, loves ... can
anyone not involved in this scene, please leave the set. (he
starts to herd out anyone not in First War costume) Now! Come on
please. Anyone not concerned in this scene, the canteen's open
upstairs. (sheikh, male mermaid etc. troop off) Now come on
please. (to soldiers) Sorry loves. Sorry. We'll have to take
it again, from the top. All fight. OK... Cue!
(Back to identical shot of harmonica-playing tommy; he plays a
few bars. CAPTION: 'KNICKERS I9I4')
(Cut to long shot. The floor manager rushes on again. The caption
Floor Manager: Hold it. Hold it. Now, who changed the
caption? Can whoever changed the caption put the right one back
CAPTION: 'YPRES 1914'
Floor Manager Right. All right, we'll take it again from the top.
Cue. (back to identical shot of harmonica-playing tommy with
cottea caption superimposed; slow pull out as befire, then floor
manager rushes on again) Hold it. Hold it. (he goes behind
some sandbags looking extremely irritated) Come on. Come on, out
of there. (he hauls a spaceman and hustles him off the set)
You're not in this ... you're only holding the whole thing up.
(turning to studio as a whole) Come on please. lt's no good,
loves. It's no good. We'll have to leave it for now. Come back when
everyone's settled down a bit. So-that means we go over to the An
Room, all fight· So cue camera three! (cut to Guevara caught in a
hot embrace with Karl Marx) Sorry, camera four.