(Cut to the sea. Pan to show Ran Obvious running along beach.)
Voice Over: There is an epic quality about the sea which
has throughout history stirred the hearts and minds of Englishmen of
all nations. Sir Francis Drake, Captain Webb, Nelson of Trafalgar
and Scott of the Antarctic - all rose to the challenge of the mighty
ocean. And today another Englishman may add his name to the golden
roll of history: Mr. Ron Obvious of Neaps End. For today, Ron
Obvious hopes to be the first man to jump the Channel·
(Ron runs up to group of cheering supporters. An interviewer
Interviewer: Ron, now let's just get this quite clear -
you're intending to jump across the English Channel?
Ron: Oh yes, that is correct, yes.
Interviewer: And, er, just how far is that?
Ron: Oh, well it's twenty-six miles from here to Calais.
Interviewer: Er, that's to the beach at Calais?
Ron: Well, no, no, provided I get a good lift off and
maybe a gust of breeze over the French coast, I shall be jumping
into the centre of Calais itself.
(Brief shot of group of Frenchmen with banner.' 'Fin de
Cross-Channel jump '.)
Interviewer: Ron are you using any special techniques to
jump this great distance?
Ron: Oh no, no. I shall be using an ordinary two-footed
jump, er, straight up in the air and across the Channel.
Interviewer: I see. Er, Ron, what is the furthest distance
that you've jumped, er, so far?
Ron: Er, oh, eleven foot six inches at Motspur Park on
July 22nd. Er, but I have done nearly twelve feet unofficially.
(Ron breaks off to make training-type movements.)
Interviewer: I see. Er, Ron, Ron, Ron, aren't you worried
Ron, aren't you worried jumping twenty-six miles across the sea?
Ron: Oh, well no, no, no, no. It is in fact easier to jump
over sea than over dry land.
Interviewer: Well how is that?
Ron: Er, well my manager explained it to me. You see if
you're five miles out over the English Channel, with nothing but sea
underneath you, er, there is a very great impetus to say in the air.
Interviewer: I see. Well, er, thank you very much Ron and
the very best of luck.
Ron: Thank you. Thank you.
Interviewer: (to camera) The man behind Ron's
cross-Channel jump is his manager Mr. Luigi Vercotti. (turns to
speak to Vercotti, who has a Mafia suit and dark glasses) Mr.
Vercotti, er Mr. Vercotti ... Mr. Vercotti...
Mr. Vercotti: What? (mumbles protestations of
innocence) I don't know what you're talking about.
Interviewer: Er, no, we're from the BBC, Mr. Vercotti.
Mr. Vercotti: Who?
Interviewer: The BBC.
Mr. Vercotti: Oh, oh. I see. I thought, I thought you were
the er . .. I like the police a lot, I've got a lot of time for
Interviewer: Mr. er, Mr. Vercotti, what is your chief task
as Ron's manager?
Mr. Vercotti: Well my main task is, er, to fix a sponsor
for the big jump.
Interviewer: And who is the sponsor?
Mr. Vercotti: The Chippenham Brick Company. Ah, they, er,
pay all the bills, er, in return for which Ron will be carrying half
a hundredweight of their bricks.
(We see a passport officer checking Ron's passport.)
Interviewer: I see. Well, er, it looks as if Ron is ready
now. He's got the bricks. He's had his passport checked and he's all
set to go. And he's off on the first ever cross-Channel jump.
(Ron runs down the beach and jumps; he lands about four feet into
the water) Will Ron be trying the cross-Channel jump again soon?
Mr. Vercotti: No. No. I'm taking him off the jumps, Er,
because I've got something lined up for Ron next week that I think
is very much more up his street.
Interviewer: Er, what's that?
Mr. Vercotti: Er, Ron is going to eat Chichester
(Cut to Chichester Cathedral. Ron walks up to it, cleaning his
Interviewer: Well, there he goes, Ron Obvious of Neaps
End, in an attempt which could make him the first man ever to eat an
entire Anglican Cathedral.
(Ron takes a hefty bite at a buttress, screams and clutches
his mouth. Cut to countryside: a map, and a banner saying 'Tunneling
to Java '. Interviewer and Vercotti walk up to map.)
Mr. Vercotti: Well, er, I think, David, this is something
which Ron and myself are really keen on. Ron is going to tunnel from
Godaiming here to Java here. (indicates inaccurately on map)
Mr. Vercotti: Yeah, er, I, I personally think this is
going to make Ron a household name overnight.
Interviewer: And how far has he got?
Mr. Vercotti: Er, well, he's quite far now, Dave, well on
the way. Well on the way, yeah.
Interviewer: Well where is he exactly?
Mr. Vercotti: Yeah.
Mr. Vercotti: Oh, er, well, er, you know, it's difficult
to say exactly. He's er, you know, in the area of er, Ron, how far
have you got?
Ron: (emerging from hole) Oh about two foot six Mr.
Mr. Vercotti: Yeah well keep digging lad, keep digging.
Ron: Mr. Vercotti are you sure there isn't a spade?
(Cut to interviewer and Vercotti by railway track)
Interviewer: Er, Mr. Vercotti, what do you say to people
who accuse you of exploiting Ron for your own purposes?
Mr. Vercotti: Well, it's totally untrue, David. Ever since
I left Sicily I've been trying to do the best for Ron. I know what
Ron wants to do, I believe in him and I'm just trying to create the
opportunities for Ron to do the kind of things he wants to do.
Interviewer: And what's he going to do today?
Mr. Vercotti: He's going to split a railway carriage with
his nose. (screams off)
(Cut to a hillside; Vercotti, interviewer, and in the
background a banner: 'Running to Mercury'.)
Mr. Vercotti: The only difficult bit for Ron is getting
out of the Earth's atmosphere. Er, once he's in orbit he'll be able
to run straight to Mercury.
(A heavily bandaged Ron leaps off starting platform: freeze
frame. Scream. Cut to a tombstone: 'Ron Obvious 1941- 1969 - very
talented', Pull back to show Vercotti.)
Mr. Vercotti: I am now extremely hopeful that Ron will
break the world record for remaining underground. He's a wonderful
boy this, he's got this really enormous talent, this really huge