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Monty Python ScriptsThe VisitorsThe cast:
The sketch:(Scene opens to a sitting room. Low sexy lighting - ha ha - soft sexy music. On the sofa are Victor and Iris just beginning to make passes at each other.) Victor: Would you mind terribly if I hold your hand? Iris: Oh no, no, not at all. Victor: Oh Iris, you're so very beautiful. Iris: Oh, do you really mean that? Victor: I do, I do, I do. I think... I'm beginning to fall in love with you. Iris: Oh Victor. Victor: It's silly isn't it? Iris: No, no, not at all dear sweet Victor. Victor: No I didn't mean that. Only just us being so close together for so many months in the soft-toy department and yet never daring to... Iris: Oh, oh Victor. Victor: Oh Iris. (they move closer to kiss; just before their lips meet the doorbell goes) Who can that be? Iris: Oh, well you try and get rid of them. Victor: Yes I will, I will. (Victor opens the front door. Arthur Name is standing outside the door.) Arthur: Hello! Victor: Hello. Arthur: Remember me? Victor: No I'm... Arthur: In the pub. The tall thin one with the moustache, remember? About three years ago? Victor: No, I don't I'm afraid. Arthur: Oh, blimey, it's dark in here, (switches light on) that's better. Only you said we must have a drink together sometime, so I thought I'd take you up on it as the film society meeting was cancelled this evening. Victor: Look, to be frank, it is a little awkward this evening. Arthur: (stepping in; to Iris) Hello, I'm Arthur. Arthur Name. Name by name but not by nature. I always say that, don't I Vicky boy? Victor: Really... Arthur: (to Victor) Is that your wife? Victor: Er, no, actually. Arthur: Oh, I get the picture. Eh? Well don't worry about me Vicky boy, I know all about one-night stands. Victor: I beg your pardon? Arthur: Mind if I change the record? (takes the record off) Victor: Look, look, we put that on. Arthur: Here's a good one, I heard it in a pub. What's brown, what's brown and sounds like a bell? Victor: I beg your pardon? Arthur: What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung! Ha, ha, ha, that's a good one. I like that one, I won't keep you long. (the gramophone plays the 'Washington Post March' very loud) That's better, now don't worry about me. I'll wait here till you've finished. (The doorbell goes again.) Victor: Who the hell... Arthur: I'll get it. It'll be friends of mine. I took the liberty of inviting them along. Victor: Look, we were hoping to have a quiet evening on our own. Arthur: Oh, they won't mind. They're very broad-minded. Hello! (He opens the door; Mr. and Mrs. Equator walk in and go straight up to Victor.) Brian: Good evening. My name is Equator, Brian Equator. Like round the middle of the Earth, only with an L. (wheezing laugh) This is my wife Audrey, she smells a bit but she has a heart of gold. Audrey: Hello, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... Victor: There must have been some kind of misunderstanding, because this is not the... Brian: Who's that then? Victor: What? Brian: Who's the bird? Victor: I'm... Brian: You got a nice pair there haven't you love. (puts hand on Iris's boobs and gives a wet kiss; Iris screams) Shut up you silly bitch, it was only a bit of fun. Victor: Now look here ... Brian: Big gin please. Arthur: I'll get it. Victor: (going after Arthur) Look, leave those drinks alone. Audrey: And three tins of beans for me please. Brian: I told you to lay off the beans, you whore! Audrey: I only want three cans. Brian: Button your lip you rat-bag. (laughs uproariously) Audrey: (joins in) Ha, ha, ha, ha... Brian: It was rather witty, wasn't it? Where's my gin? (The doorbell goes.) Victor: Who the hell's that? Brian: Oh, I took the liberty of inviting an old friend along, as his wife has just passed away, and he's somewhat distraught poor chap. I hope you don't mind. Arthur: (opening door) Come on in. (In walks Mr. Freight in underpants, sequins, eye make-up, white wellies, and necklace.) Mr. Freight: Oh? My God, what a simply ghastly place. Brian: Not too good is it? A pint of crème de menthe for my friend. Well how are you, you great poof? (sits down) Bit lumpy ...ah, no wonder, I was sitting on the cat. (throws it into fire) Iris: Aaaagh! Boo boo hooo. Mr. Freight: I've asked along a simply gorgeous little man I picked up outside the Odeon. Brian: Is he sexy? (In walks Mr. Cook with a goat. Freight kisses him.) Mr. Cook: I had to bring the goat, he's not well. I only hope he don't go on the carpet. Brian: (to Iris) Come on then love, drop 'em. Iris: Aaaaaaagh! (runs out) Brian: Blimey, she don't go much do she. (He sits in chair which collapses.) Audrey: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, oooooh! I've wet 'em Mr. Cook: The goat's just done a bundle. (A group of singers run on, dressed as Welsh miners. All talk at once.) Victor: Look, get out all of you. Go on. Get out! Get out! Brian: I beg your pardon? Victor: I'm turning you all out. I'm not having my house filled with filthy perverts, now look, I'm giving you just hall' a minute then I'm going to call the police, so get out. Brian: I don't much like the tone of your voice. (shoots him) Right let's have a ding dong... All: (singing) Ding dong merrily on high, in Heaven the bells are ringing etc...
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Monty
Python Scripts
