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Monty Python ScriptsBuying a BedThe cast:
The sketch:Husband: Hello, my wife and I would like to buy a bed, please. Mr. Lambert: Certainly sir, I'll get someone to help you. Wife: Thank you. Mr. Lambert: Mr. Verity! Mr. Verity: Can I help you, sir? Husband: Yes, we'd like a bed, a double bed, and I wondered if you'd got one for about fifty pounds. Mr. Verity: Oh no, I'm afraid not, sir. Our cheapest bed is eight hundred pounds, sir. Husband & Wife: Eight hundred pounds? Mr. Lambert: Excuse me, sir, but before I go, I ought to have told you that Mr. Verity does tend to exaggerate. Every figure he gives you will be ten times too high. Husband: I see. Mr. Lambert: Otherwise he's perfectly all right. Husband: I see. Er... your cheapest double bed then is eighty pounds? Mr. Verity: Eight hundred pounds, yes, sir. Husband: I see. And how wide is it? Mr. Verity: It's sixty feet wide. Husband: Yes... Wife: (whispers) Sixty feet! Husband: (whispers) Six foot wide, you see. Wife: (whispers) Oh. Husband: ...and the length? Mr. Verity: The length is ... er ... just a moment. Mr. Lambert, what is the length of the Comfidown Majorette? Mr. Lambert: Ah. Two foot long. Husband: Two foot long? Mr. Verity: Yes, remembering of course that you have to multiply everything Mr. Lambert says by three. It's nothing he can help, you understand. Otherwise he's perfectly all right. Husband: I see, I'm sorry. Mr. Verity: But it does mean that when he says a bed is two foot long, it is in fact sixty foot long, all right? Husband: Yes, I see. Mr. Verity: That's without the mattress, of course. Husband: How much is that? Mr. Verity: Er, Mr. Lambert will be able to tell you that. Lambert! Could you show these twenty good people the dog kennels, please? Husband: Dog kennels? No, no, the mattresses! Mr. Verity: I'm sorry, you have to say 'dog kennel' to Mr. Lambert, because if you say 'mattress' he puts a bucket* over his head. I should have explained. Otherwise he's perfectly all right. Husband: Oh. Ah. I see. Er, excuse me, could you show us the dog kennels, please, Hm? Mr. Lambert: Dog kennels? Husband: Yes, we want to look at the dog kennels, hm. Mr. Lambert: Ah yes, well that's the pets' department, second floor. Husband: No, no, no, we want to see the DOG KENNELS. Lambert: (irritated) Yes, second floor. Husband: No, we don't want to see dog kennels, it's just that Mr. Verity said that... Mr. Lambert: Oh dear, what's he been telling you now? Husband: Well, he said we should say 'dog kennels' instead of saying 'mattresses'. (Lambert puts bucket on his head) Husband: Oh dear. Hello? Hello? Hello? Mr. Verity: (approaching) Did you say 'mattress'? Husband: Well, yes, er... Mr. Lambert: (muffled) I'm not coming out! Mr. Verity: I did *ask* you not to say 'mattress', didn't I? Husband: But I mean, er... Mr. Lambert: (muffled) I'm not! Husband: Oh. Mr. Verity: Now I've got to get him to the fish tank and sing. Husband: Oh. Mr. Verity: (sings) And did those feet, in ancient time... Manager: (walking up, hearing the singing) Oh dear, did somebody say mattress to Mr. Lambert? Husband: Yes, I did. (Manager gives nasty look at Husband) Mr. Verity: (still singing) ...walk upon England's mountains green... (Manager joins in) ...and was the Holy Lamb of God... (Lambert removes bucket; Verity and Assistant immediately stop singing; Manager leaves.) Mr. Verity: He should be all right now, but don't...you know...*don't*! Husband: No, no. (to Lambert) Excuse me, could we see the dog kennels please? Lambert: (irritated) Yes, pets department, second floor. Husband: No, no, no. Those dog kennels, like that. You see? Mr. Lambert: Mattresses? Husband: (relieved) Yes. Mr. Lambert: But if you want a mattress, why not say 'mattress'? Husband: (nervously) Ha ha, I mean... Mr. Lambert: I mean, it's a little confusing for me when you say 'dog kennel' if you want a mattress. Why not just say 'mattress'? Husband: But you put a bucket over your head last time we said 'mattress'. (Lambert puts the bucket over his head again) Mr. Verity: (running on the scene again) Oh dear! (stands in box and sings) And did those feet... Manager: (to Husband) We *did* ask! (Manager & Mr. Verity sing together) ...in ancient times, walk upon England's mountains green... (singing continues throughout the next few lines of dialogue) Assistant: (running in) Did somebody say 'mattress' to Mr. Lambert? (Manager points angrily towards the Husband and Wife) Mr. Verity: *Twice*! Assistant: (shouting throughout the store) Hey, everybody! Somebody said 'mattress' to Mr. Lambert -- *twice*! (joins in the singing) (Organ music swells and they carry on singing) Mr. Verity: It's not working, we need more! (The entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir begins to sing in the background. Sounds of water splashing; eventually Lambert removes the bucket again and they stop singing) Mr. Lambert: I'm sorry, can I help you? Wife: (brightly) We want a mattress! (Lambert puts the bucket over his head again. Verity, husband and assistants all groan and glare accusingly at wife) Wife: But it's my only line!!! Note: In the television version it was a paper bag; on the album version it was a bucket (better sound effects?).
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Monty
Python Scripts
