Husband: Hello, my wife and I would like to buy a bed,
Mr. Lambert: Certainly sir, I'll get someone to help you.
Wife: Thank you.
Mr. Lambert: Mr. Verity!
Mr. Verity: Can I help you, sir?
Husband: Yes, we'd like a bed, a double bed, and I
wondered if you'd got one for about fifty pounds.
Mr. Verity: Oh no, I'm afraid not, sir. Our cheapest bed
is eight hundred pounds, sir.
Husband & Wife: Eight hundred pounds?
Mr. Lambert: Excuse me, sir, but before I go, I ought to
have told you that Mr. Verity does tend to exaggerate. Every figure
he gives you will be ten times too high.
Husband: I see.
Mr. Lambert: Otherwise he's perfectly all right.
Husband: I see. Er... your cheapest double bed then is
Mr. Verity: Eight hundred pounds, yes, sir.
Husband: I see. And how wide is it?
Mr. Verity: It's sixty feet wide.
Wife: (whispers) Sixty feet!
Husband: (whispers) Six foot wide, you see.
Wife: (whispers) Oh.
Husband: ...and the length?
Mr. Verity: The length is ... er ... just a moment. Mr.
Lambert, what is the length of the Comfidown Majorette?
Mr. Lambert: Ah. Two foot long.
Husband: Two foot long?
Mr. Verity: Yes, remembering of course that you have to
multiply everything Mr. Lambert says by three. It's nothing he can
help, you understand. Otherwise he's perfectly all right.
Husband: I see, I'm sorry.
Mr. Verity: But it does mean that when he says a bed is
two foot long, it is in fact sixty foot long, all right?
Husband: Yes, I see.
Mr. Verity: That's without the mattress, of course.
Husband: How much is that?
Mr. Verity: Er, Mr. Lambert will be able to tell you that.
Lambert! Could you show these twenty good people the dog kennels,
Husband: Dog kennels? No, no, the mattresses!
Mr. Verity: I'm sorry, you have to say 'dog kennel' to Mr.
Lambert, because if you say 'mattress' he puts a bucket* over his
head. I should have explained. Otherwise he's perfectly all right.
Husband: Oh. Ah. I see. Er, excuse me, could you show us
the dog kennels, please, Hm?
Mr. Lambert: Dog kennels?
Husband: Yes, we want to look at the dog kennels, hm.
Mr. Lambert: Ah yes, well that's the pets' department,
Husband: No, no, no, we want to see the DOG KENNELS.
Lambert: (irritated) Yes, second floor.
Husband: No, we don't want to see dog kennels, it's just
that Mr. Verity said that...
Mr. Lambert: Oh dear, what's he been telling you now?
Husband: Well, he said we should say 'dog kennels' instead
of saying 'mattresses'.
(Lambert puts bucket on his head)
Husband: Oh dear. Hello? Hello? Hello?
Mr. Verity: (approaching) Did you say 'mattress'?
Husband: Well, yes, er...
Mr. Lambert: (muffled) I'm not coming out!
Mr. Verity: I did *ask* you not to say 'mattress', didn't
Husband: But I mean, er...
Mr. Lambert: (muffled) I'm not!
Mr. Verity: Now I've got to get him to the fish tank and
Mr. Verity: (sings) And did those feet, in ancient
Manager: (walking up, hearing the singing) Oh dear, did
somebody say mattress to Mr. Lambert?
Husband: Yes, I did.
(Manager gives nasty look at Husband)
Mr. Verity: (still singing) ...walk upon England's
mountains green... (Manager joins in) ...and was the Holy
Lamb of God...
(Lambert removes bucket; Verity and Assistant immediately stop
singing; Manager leaves.)
Mr. Verity: He should be all right now, but don't...you
Husband: No, no. (to Lambert) Excuse me, could we see the
dog kennels please?
Lambert: (irritated) Yes, pets department, second
Husband: No, no, no. Those dog kennels, like that. You
Mr. Lambert: Mattresses?
Husband: (relieved) Yes.
Mr. Lambert: But if you want a mattress, why not say
Husband: (nervously) Ha ha, I mean...
Mr. Lambert: I mean, it's a little confusing for me when
you say 'dog kennel' if you want a mattress. Why not just say
Husband: But you put a bucket over your head last time we
(Lambert puts the bucket over his head again)
Mr. Verity: (running on the scene again) Oh dear!
(stands in box and sings) And did those feet...
Manager: (to Husband) We *did* ask!
(Manager & Mr. Verity sing together) ...in ancient times,
walk upon England's mountains green...
(singing continues throughout the next few lines of dialogue)
Assistant: (running in) Did somebody say 'mattress'
to Mr. Lambert?
(Manager points angrily towards the Husband and Wife)
Mr. Verity: *Twice*!
Assistant: (shouting throughout the store) Hey,
everybody! Somebody said 'mattress' to Mr. Lambert -- *twice*!
(joins in the singing)
(Organ music swells and they carry on singing)
Mr. Verity: It's not working, we need more!
(The entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir begins to sing in the
background. Sounds of water splashing; eventually Lambert removes
the bucket again and they stop singing)
Mr. Lambert: I'm sorry, can I help you?
Wife: (brightly) We want a mattress!
(Lambert puts the bucket over his head again. Verity, husband
and assistants all groan and glare accusingly at wife)
Wife: But it's my only line!!!
Note: In the television version it was a paper bag; on the
album version it was a bucket (better sound effects?).