(Cut to Inspector Praline.)
Praline: Hello again. I am at present still on film, but
in a few seconds I shall be appearing in the studio. Thank you.
(Cut to studio. A door opens. Inspector Praline looks round
Inspector Praline: (to camera) Hello. (he walks
in followed by Superintendent Parrot and goes to desk) Mr.
Milton? You are sole proprietor and owner of the Whizzo Chocolate
Milton: I am.
Praline: Superintendent Parrot and I are from the hygiene
squad. We want to have a word with you about your box of chocolates
certified The Whizzo Quality Assortment.
Milton: Ah, yes.
Praline: (producing box of chocolates) If I may
begin at the beginning. First there is the cherry fondue. This is
extremely nasty, but we can't prosecute you for that.
Praline: Next we have number four, 'crunchy frog'.
Milton: Ah, yes.
Praline: Am I right in thinking there's a real frog in
Milton: Yes. A little one.
Praline: What sort of frog?
Milton: A dead frog.
Praline: Is it cooked?
Praline: What, a raw frog?
(Superintendent Parrot looks increasingly queasy.)
Milton: We use only the finest baby frogs, dew picked and
flown from Iraq, cleansed in finest quality spring water, lightly
killed, and then sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble
cream milk chocolate envelope and lovingly frosted with glucose.
Praline: That's as maybe, it's still a frog.
Milton: What else?
Praline: Well don't you even take the bones out?
Milton: If we took the bones out it wouldn't be crunchy
Praline: Superintendent Parrot ate one of those.
Parrot: Excuse me a moment. (exits hurriedly)
Milton: It says 'crunchy frog' quite clearly.
Praline: Well, the superintendent thought it was an almond
whirl. People won't expect there to be a frog in there. They're
bound to think it's some form of mock frog.
Milton: (insulted) Mock frog? We use no artificial
preservatives or additives of any kind!
Praline: Nevertheless, I must warn you that in future you
should delete the words 'crunchy frog', and replace them with the
legend 'crunchy raw unboned real dead frog', if you want to avoid
Milton: What about our sales?
Praline: I'm not interested in your sales, I have to
protect the general public. Now how about this one.
(superintendent enters) It was number five, wasn't it?
(superintendent nods) Number five, ram's bladder cup. (exit
superintendent) What kind of confection is this?
Milton: We use choicest juicy chunks of fresh Cornish
ram's bladder, emptied, steamed, flavored with sesame seeds whipped
into a fondue and garnished with lark's vomit.
Praline: Lark's vomit?
Praline: Well it don't say nothing about that here.
Milton: Oh yes it does, on the bottom of the box, after
Praline: (looking) Well I hardly think this is good
enough. I think it would be more appropriate if the box bore a large
red label warning lark's vomit.
Milton: Our sales would plummet.
Praline: Well why don't you move into more conventional
areas of confectionery, like praline or lime cream; a very popular
flavor I'm led to understand. (superintendent enters) I mean
look at this one, 'cockroach cluster', (superintendent exits)
'anthrax ripple'. What's this one, 'spring surprise'?
Milton: Ah - now, that's our specialty - covered with
darkest creamy chocolate. When you pop it in your mouth steel bolts
spring out and plunge straight through-both cheeks.
Praline: Well where's the pleasure in that?
If people place a nice chocky in their mouth, they don't want
their cheeks pierced. In any case this is an inadequate description
of the sweetmeat. I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the
Milton: (getting up from desk and being led away)
It's a fair cop.
Praline: Stop talking to the camera.
Milton: I'm sorry.
(Superintendent Parrot enters the room as Inspector Praline
and Milton leave, and addresses the camera.)
Parrot: If only the general public would take more care
when buying its sweeties, it would reduce the number of man-hours
lost to the nation and they would spend less time having their
stomachs pumped and sitting around in public lavatories.
Announcer: The BBC would like to apologize for the
extremely poor quality of the next announcement, only he's not at
Parrot: We present The Dull Life of a City Stockbroker.