Monty Python Scripts

Crunchy Frog

The cast:

INSPECTOR PRALINE

John Cleese

SUPERINTENDENT PARROT

Graham Chapman

MR. MILTON

Terry Jones

BBC ANNOUNCER

John Cleese

The sketch:

(Cut to Inspector Praline.)

Praline: Hello again. I am at present still on film, but in a few seconds I shall be appearing in the studio. Thank you.

(Cut to studio. A door opens. Inspector Praline looks round door. )

Inspector Praline: (to camera) Hello. (he walks in followed by Superintendent Parrot and goes to desk) Mr. Milton? You are sole proprietor and owner of the Whizzo Chocolate Company?

Milton: I am.

Praline: Superintendent Parrot and I are from the hygiene squad. We want to have a word with you about your box of chocolates certified The Whizzo Quality Assortment.

Milton: Ah, yes.

Praline: (producing box of chocolates) If I may begin at the beginning. First there is the cherry fondue. This is extremely nasty, but we can't prosecute you for that.

Milton: Agreed.

Praline: Next we have number four, 'crunchy frog'.

Milton: Ah, yes.

Praline: Am I right in thinking there's a real frog in here?

Milton: Yes. A little one.

Praline: What sort of frog?

Milton: A dead frog.

Praline: Is it cooked?

Milton: No.

Praline: What, a raw frog?

(Superintendent Parrot looks increasingly queasy.)

Milton: We use only the finest baby frogs, dew picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and then sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate envelope and lovingly frosted with glucose.

Praline: That's as maybe, it's still a frog.

Milton: What else?

Praline: Well don't you even take the bones out?

Milton: If we took the bones out it wouldn't be crunchy would it?

Praline: Superintendent Parrot ate one of those.

Parrot: Excuse me a moment. (exits hurriedly)

Milton: It says 'crunchy frog' quite clearly.

Praline: Well, the superintendent thought it was an almond whirl. People won't expect there to be a frog in there. They're bound to think it's some form of mock frog.

Milton: (insulted) Mock frog? We use no artificial preservatives or additives of any kind!

Praline: Nevertheless, I must warn you that in future you should delete the words 'crunchy frog', and replace them with the legend 'crunchy raw unboned real dead frog', if you want to avoid prosecution.

Milton: What about our sales?

Praline: I'm not interested in your sales, I have to protect the general public. Now how about this one. (superintendent enters) It was number five, wasn't it? (superintendent nods) Number five, ram's bladder cup. (exit superintendent) What kind of confection is this?

Milton: We use choicest juicy chunks of fresh Cornish ram's bladder, emptied, steamed, flavored with sesame seeds whipped into a fondue and garnished with lark's vomit.

Praline: Lark's vomit?

Milton: Correct.

Praline: Well it don't say nothing about that here.

Milton: Oh yes it does, on the bottom of the box, after monosodium glutamate.

Praline: (looking) Well I hardly think this is good enough. I think it would be more appropriate if the box bore a large red label warning lark's vomit.

Milton: Our sales would plummet.

Praline: Well why don't you move into more conventional areas of confectionery, like praline or lime cream; a very popular flavor I'm led to understand. (superintendent enters) I mean look at this one, 'cockroach cluster', (superintendent exits) 'anthrax ripple'. What's this one, 'spring surprise'?

Milton: Ah - now, that's our specialty - covered with darkest creamy chocolate. When you pop it in your mouth steel bolts spring out and plunge straight through-both cheeks.

Praline: Well where's the pleasure in that?

If people place a nice chocky in their mouth, they don't want their cheeks pierced. In any case this is an inadequate description of the sweetmeat. I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the station.

Milton: (getting up from desk and being led away) It's a fair cop.

Praline: Stop talking to the camera.

Milton: I'm sorry.

(Superintendent Parrot enters the room as Inspector Praline and Milton leave, and addresses the camera.)

Parrot: If only the general public would take more care when buying its sweeties, it would reduce the number of man-hours lost to the nation and they would spend less time having their stomachs pumped and sitting around in public lavatories.

Announcer: The BBC would like to apologize for the extremely poor quality of the next announcement, only he's not at all well.

Parrot: We present The Dull Life of a City Stockbroker.

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