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Monty Python Scripts

The Smuggler

The cast:

John Cleese
Michael Palin
Eric Idle

The sketch:

(Scene : A Customs hall.)

Officer: Have you read this, sir? (holds up notice)

Man: No! Oh, yes, yes - yes.

Officer: Anything to declare?

Man: Yes ... no! No! No! No! Nothing to declare, no, nothing in my suitcase no...

Officer: No watches, cameras, radio sets?

Man: Oh yes ... four watches ... no, no, no. No. One... one watch...No, no. Not even one watch. No, no watches at all. No, no watches at all. No precision watches, no.

Officer: Which country have you been visiting, sir?

Man: Switzerland ... er ... no ... no ... not Switzerland ... er ... not Switzerland, it began with S but it wasn't Switzerland... oh what could it be? Terribly bad memory for names. What's the name of that country where they don't make watches at all?

Officer: Spain?

Man: Spain! That's it. Spain, yes, mm.

Officer: The label says 'Zurich', sir.

Man: Yes well ... it was Spain then.

Officer: Zurich's in Switzerland, sir.

Man: Switzerland, yes mm ... mm ... yes.

Officer: Switzerland - where they make the watches.

Man: Oh, nice shed you've got here.

Officer: Have you, er, got any Swiss currency, sir?

Man: No... just the watches... er just my watch, er, my watch on the currency... I've kept a watch of the currency, and I've watched it and I haven't got any.

Officer: That come out a bit glib didn't it? (an alarm clock goes off inside his case; the Man thumps it, unsuccessfully) Have you got an alarm clock in there, sir?

Man: No, no, heavens no, no... just vests. (he thumps the case and the alarm stops)

Officer: Sounded a bit like an alarm going off.

Man: Well it can't have been... it must be a vest, er, going off.

Officer: Going Off

(Clocks start ticking and chiming in the case. The man desperately thumps the case.) the case.

Man: All right, I confess, I'm a smuggler ... This whole case is crammed full of Swiss watches and clocks. I've been purposely trying to deceive Her Majesty's Customs and Excise. I've been a bloody fool.

Officer: I don't believe you, sir.

Man: It's true. I'm, er, guilty of smuggling.

Officer: Don't give me that, sir ... you couldn't smuggle a piece of greaseproof paper let alone a case full of watches.

Man: What do you mean! I've smuggled watches before, you know! I've smuggled bombs, cameras, microfilms, aircraft components, you name it - I've smuggled it.

Officer: Now come along please, you're wasting our time... move along please.

Man: Look! (he opens his case to reveal it stuffed full of watches and clocks) Look - look at this.

Officer: Look, for all I know, sir, you could've bought these in London before you ever went to Switzerland.

Man: What? I wouldn't buy two thousand clocks.

Officer: People do, now close your case move along please come on. Don't waste our time, we're out to catch the real smugglers. Come on.

Man: (shouting) I am a real smuggler. I'm a smuggler! Don't you understand, I'm a smuggler, a lawbreaker... a smuggler. (he is removed struggling)

(A vicar is next.)

Vicar: Poor fellow. I think he needs help.

Officer: Right, cut the wisecracks, vicar. Get to the search room, and strip.

(Cut to chairman of discussion group.)

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