(Scene: A bookshop. A Bookseller is standing behind the
counter. Arthur enters the shot and goes up to the counter. The
Bookseller jumps and looks around furtively.)
Bookseller: Er... oh!
Arthur: Good morning, I'd like to buy a book please.
Bookseller: Oh, well I'm afraid we don't have any.
(trying to hide them)
Arthur: I'm sorry?
Bookseller: We don't have any books. We're fresh out of
them. Good morning.
Arthur: Well what are all these?
Bookseller: All what? Oh! All these, ah ah ha ha. Your
referring to these ... books.
Bookseller: They're um ... they're all sold. Good morning.
Arthur: What all of them?
Bookseller: Every single man Jack of them. Not a single
one of them in an unsold state. Good morning.
Arthur: Who to?
Arthur: Who are they sold to?
Bookseller: Oh ... various ... good Lord is that the time?
Oh my goodness I must close for lunch.
Arthur: It's only half past ten.
Bookseller: Ah yes, well I feel rather peckish ... very
peckish actually, I don't expect I'll open again today. I think I'll
have a really good feed. I say! Look at that lovely bookshop just
across the road there, they've got a much better selection than
we've got, probably at ridiculously low prices ... just across the
road there. (he has the door open) Good morning.
Arthur: But I was told to come here.
Bookseller: (bundling him back in) Well. Well, I
see. Er ... (very, carefully) hear the gooseberries are doing
well this year... and so are the mangoes. (winks)
Arthur: I'm sorry?
Bookseller: Er .,. oh . .. I was just saying ... thinking
of the weather.. I hear the gooseberries are doing well this year...
and so are the mangoes.
Arthur: Mine aren'tĚ
Bookseller: (nodding keenly, with anticipation) Go
Bookseller: Go on - mine aren't ... but...
Bookseller: Aren't you going to say something about 'mine
aren't but the Big Cheese gets his at low tide tonight'?
Bookseller: Oh, ah, good morning, (starts to bundle him
out then stops) Wait. Who sent you?
Arthur: The little old lady in the sweet shop.
Bookseller: She didn't have a dueling scar just here ...
and a hook?
Bookseller: Of course not, I was thinking of somebody
else. Good morning.
Arthur: Wait a minute, there's something going on here.
Bookseller: (spinning round.) What, where? You
didn't see anything did you?
Arthur: No, but I think there's something going on here.
Bookseller: No no, well there's nothing going on here at
all (shouts off) and he didn't see anything. Good morning.
Arthur: (coming back into shop) There is something
Bookseller: Look there is nothing going on. Please believe
me, there is abso... (a hand comes into view behind Arthur's
back; Bookseller frantically waves at it to disappear; it does so)
. . . lutely nothing going on. Is there anything going on?
(A man appears, fleetingly: he is Van der Berg)
Van der Berg: No there's nothing going on. (disappears)
Bookseller: See there's nothing going on.
Arthur: Who was that?
Bookseller: That was my aunt, look what was this book you
wanted then? Quickly! Quickly!
Arthur: Oh, well, I'd like to buy a copy of an
'Illustrated History of False Teeth'.
Bookseller: My God you've got guts.
Bookseller: (pulling gun) Just how much do you
Arthur: What about?
Bookseller: Are you from the British Dental Association?
Arthur: No I'm a tobacconist.
Bookseller: Get away from that door.
Arthur: I'll just go over the other...
Bookseller: Stay where you are. You'll never leave this
Arthur: Why not?
Bookseller: You know too much, my dental friend.
Arthur: I don't know anything.
Bookseller: Come clean. You're a dentist aren't you.
Arthur: No, I'm a tobacconist.
Bookseller: A tobacconist who just happens to be buying a
book on ...teeth?
Bookseller: Ha ha ha ha...
(Lafarge enters room with gun. He is swarthy, French, dressed
all in black and menacing.)
Lafarge: Drop that gun, Stapleton.
Bookseller: Lafrage! (he drops the gun)
Arthur: There is something going on.
Bookseller: No there isn't.
Lafarge: OK Stapleton, this is it. Where's Mahoney hidden
Bookseller: What fillings?
Lafarge: You know which fillings, Stapleton. Upper right
two and four, lower right three and two lower left one. Come on.
(he threatens with the gun) Remember what happened to Nigel.
Arthur: What happened to Nigel?
Bookseller: Orthodontic Jake gave him a gelignite mouth
Arthur: I knew there was something going on.
Bookseller: Well there isn't.
Lafarge: Come on Stapleton. The fillings!
Bookseller: They're at 22 Wimpole Street.
Lafarge: Don't play games with me! (pokes bookseller in
eye with the gun)
Bookseller: Oh, oh, 22a Wimpole Street.
Lafarge: That's better.
Bookseller: But you'll need an appointment.
Lafarge: OK (shouting out of shop) Brian! Make with
the appointment baby. No gas.
(Van der Berg appears with machine gun and a nurse, he is
basically dressed as a dentist. But with many rings, chains,
wristlets, cravats, buckled shoes and an ear-ring.)
Van der Berg: Not so fast Lafarge!
Lafarge: Van der Berg!
Van der Berg: Yes. Now drop the roscoe.
Arthur: There is something going on.
Bookseller: No there isn't.
Van der Berg: Get the guns.
(The nurse runs forward, picks up the gun and puts it on steel
surgeon's tray, and covers it with a white cloth, returning it to
Van der Berg.)
Arthur: Who's that?
Bookseller: That's Van der Berg. He's on our side.
Van der Berg: All right, get up against the wall Lafarge,
and you too Stapleton.
Van der Berg: Yes, you!
Bookseller: You dirty double-crossing rat.
Arthur: (going with Bookseller) What's happened?
Bookseller: He's two-timed me.
Arthur: Bad luck.
Van der Berg: All right ... where are the fillings? Answer
me, where are they?
Arthur: This is quite exciting.
(Brian enters carrying a bazooka. Brian is dressed in
operating-theatre clothes, gown, cap and mask, with rubber gloves
and white Wellingtons.)
Brian: Not so fast.
Arthur: Ooh, what's that?
The Others: It's a bazooka.
Brian: All right. Get against the wall Van der Berg ...
and you nurse. And the first one to try anything moves to a practice
six feet underground ... this is an anti-tank gun ... and it's
loaded ...and you've just got five seconds to tell me ... whatever
happened to Baby Jane?
Brian: Oh ... I'm sorry ... my mind was wandering ... I've
had a terrible day... I really have ... you've got five seconds to
tell me... I've forgotten. I've forgotten.
Bookseller: The five seconds haven't started yet have
Van der Berg: Only we don't know the question.
Arthur: Was it about Vogler?
Brian: No, no... no ... you've got five seconds to tell
Van der Berg: About Nigel?
Brian: No. No.
Arthur: The fillings!
Brian: Oh yes, the fillings, of course. How stupid of me.
Right, you've got five seconds ... (clears throat) Where are
the fillings? Five, four, three, two, one, Zero! (there is a long
pause, Brian has forgotten to fire the bazooka but he can't put his
finger on what has gone wrong) Zero! (looks at gun) Oh!
I've forgotten to fire it. Sorry. Silly day. Very well. (quite
rapidly) Five, four, three, two, one.
(A panel slides back and the Big Cheese appears in sight
seated in a dentist's chair. The Big Cheese is in dentist's gear,
wears evil magnifying type glasses and strokes a rabbit lying on his
Big Cheese: Drop the bazooka Brian.
All: The Big Cheese!
(Brian drops the bazooka.)
Big Cheese: I'm glad you could all come to my little ...
party. And Flopsy's glad too, aren't you, Flopsy? (he holds
rabbit up as it does not reply) Aren't you Flopsy? (no reply
again so he pulls a big revolver out and fires at rabbit from
point-blank range) That'll teach you to play hard to get. There,
poor Flopsy's dead. And never called me mother. And soon ... you
will all be dead, dead, dead, dead. (the crowd start to hiss him)
And because I'm so evil you'll all die the slow way ... under the
Arthur: It's one o'clock.
Big Cheese: So it is. Lunch break, everyone back here at
(They, all happily relax and walk off. Arthur surreptitiously
goes to telephone and, making sure nobody is looking, calls)
Arthur: Hallo ... give me the British Dental Association
... and fast.
(Cut to Arthur dressed normally as dentist leaning over
patient in chair. He looks up to camera.)
Arthur: You see, I knew there was something going on. Of
course, the Big Cheese made two mistakes. First of all he didn't
recognize me: Lemming, Arthur Lemming, Special Investigator, British
Dental Association, and second ... (to patient) spit ... by
the time I got back from lunch I had every dental surgeon in SWI
waiting for them all in the broom cupboard. Funny isn't it, how
naughty dentists always make that one fatal mistake. Bye for now ...
keep your teeth clean.
(Cut to photo of Arthur Lemming, with superimposed caption on
screen: 'LEMMING OF THE BDA' Over this we hear a song.)
Song: (Voice over pre-recorded) Lemming, Lemming
... Lemming of the BDA .. Lemming, Lemming ... Lemming of the BD
...Lemming of the BD ... BD, BDA.
Voice Over: and Caption on Screen: 'IT'S A MAN'S LIFE IN
THE BRITISH DENTAL ASSOCIATION'
Colonel: (knocking the photo aside) Right! No, I
warned you, no, I warned you about the slogan, right. That's the
end. Stop the program! Stop it.
(Cut to referee blowing whistle.)