(On-screen caption: 'IT'S A MAN'S LIFE IN THE CARDIFF ROOMS,
LIBYA'. Scene : Colonel with army recruitment posters on wall behind
him.)
Colonel: Right, cut to me. As Officer Commanding the
Regular Army's Advertising Division, I object, in the strongest
possible terms to this obvious reference to our own slogan 'It's a
dog's life ... (correcting himself rapidly) a man's life in
the modern army' and I warn this program that any recurrence of this
sloppy long-haired civilian plagiarism will be dealt with most
severely. Right, now on the command 'cut', the camera will cut to
camera two, all right, director... (cut to a man sitting at desk)
Wait for it! (cut back to colonel) Camera cut. (cut to
man; he has a Viking helmet on)
Man: This is my only line. (catcalls) (defensively)
Well, it's my only line.
(Cut to a gentleman in striped blazer, boater and cricket
flannels walking down to beach ditching towel and bathing trunks. He
puts his towel on a breakwater next to another towel and starts to
change. He suddenly looks up and we see everyone on the beach has
turned to watch him - not with any disapproval just a blank English
stare. He grabs his towel off the breakwater and starts to take his
trousers off under that. Girl in a bikini has been sitting on other
side of the breakwater, stands up looking for her towel. She sees
that the man is using it and she whisks it past him leaving him
clutching his half-down trousers. Shot of everyone staring at him
again. He pulls them up and makes fir a beach hut... embarrassed. He
goes into beach hut. Inside he is about to take his trousers off,
when he becomes aware of a pair of feet which come up to the back of
the beach hut - there is a 6-inch gap along bottom - and stop as if
someone were peering through the crack. The man looks slightly
outraged and pulls his trousers up, goes outside and edges
cautiously round to the back of the beach hut. Then he finds a man
bending close to the side of the beach hut with his hand to his
face. The Gentleman kicks him hard in the seat of the pang. The man
turns in obvious surprise, to reveal he was merely trying to light
his cigarette out of the wind. The gentleman backs away with
embarrassed apologies. We cut to the front of the beach hut to see
gentleman backing round at the same time as a large matronly woman
marches into the hut... the man follows her in. He is promptly
thrown out on his ear. In desperation he looks around. On the
promenade he suddenly sees an ice-cream van. fie walks up to it,
looks around, then nips behind to start changing. At the same time a
policeman strolls up to the ice-cream van and tells it to move on.
The van drives off, exposing the gentleman clutching his trousers
round his ankles. Close-up policeman's reaction. The man hurriedly
pulls trousers up as policeman approaches him pulling out note book.
Still covered in confusion he runs away from the policeman. In long
shot we see him approach the commissionaire of the Royale Palace De
Luxe Hotel. He whispers to the commissionaire, indicates by mime
that he wants to take his trousers off: The commissionaire reacts to
the gesture. The man nods. The commissionaire starts to take his
trousers off. Man backs away once more in confusion - he has been
misunderstood. Back on the beach again. He hides behind a pile of
deckchairs. At that moment a beach party of jolly trippers arrive
and each takes one. The deckchair pile rapidly disappears leaving
the gentleman once again exposed. He dashes behind the deckchair
attendant's hut which is next to him. Enter two workmen who
dismantle it. Desperate by now he goes onto the pier. He goes into
the amusement arcade, looking around furtively. Nips behind a 'what
the butler saw' machine. Woman comes and puts penny in and starts to
look, beckons over husband,' he comes, looks in the machine, sees
the man' changing his trousers. They chase him off. Stir pursued he
nips into door. Finds himself in blackness. Relieved - at last he
has found somewhere to change. He relaxes and starts to take his
trousers off. Suddenly hears music and applause... curtains swishes
back to reveal he is on stage of the pier pavilion. The audience
applauds. Resigned to his fate, he breaks into striptease routine.)
Voice Over: (and Caption) 'IT'S A MAN'S LIFE TAKING
YOUR CLOTHES OFF IN PUBLIC
(Cut to colonel)
Colonel: Quiet. Quiet. Now wait a minute. I have already
warned this program about infringing the Army copyright of our
slogan 'It's a pig's life... man's life in the modern army'. And I'm
warning you if it happens again, I shall come down on this program
like a ton of bricks... right. Carry on sergeant major.