Monty Python Scripts

Stolen Newsreader

The cast:

NEWSREADER

John Cleese

The sketch:

(Scene : A BBC News studio, where the newsreader is just putting the phone down. At his desk is an old-fashioned microphone with 'BBC' on it. He is in evening dress, and speaks in beautifully modulated tones.)

Newsreader: Good evening, here is the 6 o'clock News read by Michael Queen. It's been a quiet day over most of the country as people went back to work after the warmest July weekend for nearly a year. The only high spot of the weekend was the meeting between officials of the NEDC and the ODCN in Bradford today.

(At this point, axes split open the studio door behind him. Through the hole, men with stockings over their heads leap in firing guns in all directions. The newsreader continues, unperturbed. Cut to marauders pushing the newsreader, still at his desk down a passage in the BBC They rush him out of the TV Centre and onto the back of a lorry.)

Newsreader: (continuing) In Geneva, officials of the Central Clearing Banks met with Herr Voleschtadt of Poland to discuss non-returnable loans on a twelve-year trust basis for the construction of a new zinc-treating works in the Omsk area of Krakow, near the Bulestan border. The Board of Trade has ratified a Trade Agreement with the Soviet Union for the sale of 600 low gear electric sewing machines. The President of the Board of Trade said he hoped this would mark a new area of expansion in world trade and a new spirit of co-operation between East and West. There has been a substantial drop in Gold Reserves during the last twelve months. This follows a statement by the Treasury to the effect that the balance of imports situation had not changed dramatically over the same period.

(cut to lorry hurtling through London with newsreader still reading news on the back - facing backwards; cut to lorry hurtling through country lane and flashing past camera)

Newsreader: (continuing) Still no news of the National Savings book lost by Mr. Charles Griffiths of Porthcawl during a field expedition to the Nature Reserves of Swansea last July. Mr. Griffiths' wife said that her husband was refusing to talk to the Press until the Savings Certificate had been found.

(cut to gang hoisting him on to the back of an open lorry, still in desk etc.)

Newsreader: (continuing) In Cornwall the death has been announced today of the former Minister without Portfolio, General Sir Hugh Marksby-Smith. Sir Hugh was vice-president of the Rotarian movement.

(a long shot of a jetty; we see the gang still pushing the newsreader still on his desk along the jetty)

Newsreader: (continuing) In the match between Glamorgan and Yorkshire, the Yorkshire bowler Nicholson took eight wickets for three runs. Glareorgan were all out for the thirty-six and therefore won the match by an innings and seven runs. Weather for tomorrow will be cloudy with occasional outbreaks of rain. And that is the end of the news.

(they reach the end and push him over into the sea... sound effects: splash. Gurgle gurgle.)

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