(Sketch starts with a policeman leading a man in mouse costume
into a police station. Photo of headline: Mouse Clubs On Increase.
Cut to: photos of neon signs of clubs: Eek Eek Club; The Little
White Rodent Room; Caerphilly A Go-Go. Cut to studio: ordinary
Linkman: Yes. The Mouse Problem· This week 'The World
Around Us' looks at the growing social phenomenon of Mice and Men.
What makes a man want to be a mouse.
(Interviewer, Harold Voice, sitting facing a confessor. The
confessor is badly lit and is turned away from camera.)
Confessor: (very slowly and painfully) Well it's
not a question of wanting to be a mouse... it just sort of happens
to you. All of a sudden you realize... that's what you want to be.
Interviewer: And when did you first notice these... shall
we say... tendencies?
Confessor: Well... I was about seventeen and some mates
and me went to a party, and, er... we had quite a lot to drink...
and then some of the fellows there ... started handing ... cheese
around ... and well just out of curiosity 1 tried a bit ... and well
that was that.
Interviewer: And what else did these fellows do?
Confessor: Well some of them started dressing up as mice a
bit ... and then when they'd got the costumes on they started ...
Interviewer: Yes. And was that all?
Confessor: That was all.
Interviewer: And what was your reaction to this?
Confessor: Well I was shocked. But, er... gradually I came
to feel that I was more at ease ... with other mice.
(Cut to linkman.)
Linkman: A typical case, whom we shall refer to as Mr. A,
although his real name is this:
Voice Over: (and CAPTION) ARTHUR JACKSON 32A MILTON
AVENUE, HOUNSLOW, MIDDLESEX.
Linkman: What is it that attracts someone like Mr. A to
this way of life? I have with me a consultant psychiatrist.
(The camera pulls back to reveal the psychiatrist who places
in front of himself a notice saying 'The Amazing Kargol And Janet
Kargol: Well, we've just heard a typical case history. I
myself have over seven hundred similar histories, all fully
documented. Would you care to choose one?
(Janet, dressed in showgirl's outfit, enters and offers
Linkman the case histories fanned out like cards, with one more
prominent than the others; he picks it out.)
Kargol: (without looking) Mr. Arthur Aldridge of
Linkman: Well, that's amazing, amazing. Thank you, Janet.
(chord; Janet postures and exits) Kargol, speaking as a
psychiatrist as opposed to a conjuror...
Kargol: (disappointed) Oh...
Linkman: ... what makes certain men want to be mice?
Kargol: Well, we psychiatrists have found that over 8% of
the population will always be mice. I mean, after all, there's
something of the mouse in all of us. I mean, how many of us can
honestly say that at one time or another he hasn't felt sexually
attracted to mice. (Linkman looks puzzled) I know I have. I
mean, most normal adolescents go through a stage of squeaking two or
three times a day. Some youngsters on the other hand, are attracted
to it by its very illegality. It's like murder - make a thing
illegal and it acquires a mystique. (Linkman looks increasingly
embarrassed) Look at arson - I mean, how many of us can honestly
say that at one time or another he hasn't set fire to some great
public building. I know I have. (phone on desk rings; the Linkman
picks it up but does not answer it) The only way to bring the
crime figures down is to reduce the number of offences - get it out
in the open - I know I have,
Linkman: (replacing phone) The Amazing Kargol And
Janet. What a lot of people don't realize is that a mouse, once
accepted, can fulfill a very useful role in society. Indeed there
are examples throughout history of famous men now known to have been
(Cut to Julius Caesar on beach. He shouts 'Veni Vidi, Vici'.
Then he adds a furtive squeak. Napoleon pulls slice of cheese out of
jacket and bites into it. Cut to Linkman)
Linkman: And, of course, Hillaire Belloc. But what is the
(Cut to man in a Viking helmet.)
Viking: ... of the man in the street towards...
Linkman: ... this growing social problem?
(Vox pops films.)
Window Cleaner: Clamp down on them.
Off-screen Voice: How?
Window Cleaner: I'd strangle them.
Stockbroker: Well speaking as a member of the Stock
Exchange I would suck their brains out with a straw, sell the widows
and orphans and go into South American Zinc.
Man: Yean I'd, er, stuff sparrows down their throats, er,
until the beaks stuck out through the, er, stomach walls.
Accountant: Oh well I'm a chartered accountant, and
consequently too boring to be of interest.
Vicar: I feel that these poor unfortunate people should be
free to live the lives of their own choice.
Porter: I'd split their nostrils open with a boat hook, I
2nd Man: Well I mean, they can't help it, can they? But,
er, there's nothing you can do about it. So er, I'd kill 'em.
(Cut to linkman.)
Linkman: Clearly the British public's view is a hostile
Voice Over: (and CAPTION) 'HOSTILE'
Linkman: But perhaps this is because so little is
generally known of these mice men. We have some film now taken of
one of the notorious weekend mouse parties, where these disgusting
little perverts meet.
(Cut to exterior house (night). The blinds are drawn so that
only shadows of enormous mice can be seen, holding slices of cheese
Linkman: Mr. A tells us what actually goes on at these
(Cut to Mr. A.)
Mr. A: Well first of all you get shown to your own private
hole in the skirting board... then you put the mouse skin on... then
you scurry into the main room, and perhaps take a run in the wheel.
Linkman: The remainder of this film was taken secretly at
one of these mouse parties by a BBC cameraman posing as a vole. As
usual we apologize for the poor quality of the film.
(Very, poor quality film, shadowy shapes, the odd mouse
Mr. A's Voice: Well, er, then you steal some cheese, Brie
or Camembert, or Cheddar or Gouda, if you're on the harder stuff.
You might go and see one of the blue cheese films... there's a big
clock in the middle of the room, and about 12.50 you climb up it and
then ...eventually, it strikes one... and you all run down.
(Cut to a large matron with apron and carving knife)
Linkman's Voice: And what's that?
Mr. A's Voice: That's the farmer's wife.
(Cut to the linkman at desk.)
Linkman: Perhaps we need to know more of these mice men
before we can really judge them. Perhaps not. Anyway, our thirty
minutes are up.
(Sound of baa-ing. The linkman looks up in air, looks
startled, pulls a gun from under the desk and fires in the air. The
body of a sheep falls to the floor.)