Monty Python Scripts

The Man with Three Buttocks

The cast:

ANNOUNCER

Eric Idle

HOST

John Cleese

ARTHUR FRAMPTON

Terry Jones

The sketch:

Announcer: And now for something completely different. A man with three buttocks!

Host : I have with me Mr. Arthur Frampton who... (pause) Mr. Frampton, I understand that you - um - as it were... (pause) Well let me put it another way. Erm, I believe that whereas most people have - er - two... Two.

Frampton: Oh, sure.

Host: Ah well, er, Mr. Frampton. Erm, is that chair comfortable?

Frampton: Fine, yeah, fine.

Host: Mr. Frampton, er, vis a vis your... (pause) rump.

Frampton: I beg your pardon?

Host: Your rump.

Frampton: What?

Host: Er, your derriere. (Whispers) Posterior. Sit-upon.

Frampton: What's that?

Host: (whispers) Your buttocks.

Frampton: Oh, me bum!

Host: (hurriedly) Sshhh! Well now, I understand that you, Mr. Frampton, have a... (pause) 50% bonus in the region of what you say.

Frampton: I got three cheeks.

Host: Yes, yes, excellent, excellent. Well we were wondering, Mr. Frampton, if you could see your way clear to giving us a quick... (pause) a quick visual... (long pause). Mr. Frampton, would you take your trousers down.

Frampton: What? (to cameramen) 'Ere, get that away! I'm not taking me trousers down on television. What do you think I am?

Host: Please take them down.

Frampton: No!

Host: No, er look, er Mr. Frampton. It's quite easy for somebody just to come along here claiming... that they have a bit to spare in the botty department. The point is, our viewers need proof.

Frampton: I've been on Persian Radio ... Get off! Arthur Figgis knows I've got three buttocks.

Host: How?

Frampton: We go cycling together.

(Cut to shot of two men riding tandem. The one behind (Graham) looks down, looks up and exclaims 'strewth '.)

Announcer: (sitting at desk) And now for something completely different. A man with three buttocks.

(Interview studio again.)

Interviewer: Good evening, I have with me Mr. Arthur Frampton, who.. Mr. Frampton I understand that you, as it were - well let me put it another way... I believe Mr. Frampton that whereas most people... didn't we do this just now?

Frampton: Er ... yes.

Interviewer: Well why didn't you say so?

Frampton: I thought it was the continental version.

(Cut back to Announcer sitting confidently at desk)

Announcer: And now for something completely the same - a man with three buttocks. (phone on desk rings - he answers) Hullo? ... Oh, did we. (puts phone down and looks at camera) And now for something completely different. A man with three noses.

Off-Screen Voice: He's not here yet!

Announcer: Two Noses?

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