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Life of Brian Script

Scene 7: Brian Discovers his Roman Heritage

The sketch:


OFFICER: Good afternoon.

MANDY: Oh, ah. Hello, officer. Ehh. I'll be with you in a few moments. All right, dear?

BRIAN: What's he doing here?

MANDY: Now, don't start that Brian, and go and clean your room out.

BRIAN: Bloody Romans.

MANDY: Now, look, Brian. If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't have all this, and don't you forget it.

BRIAN: We don't owe the Romans anything, Mum.

MANDY: Well, that's not entirely true, is it Brian?

BRIAN: What do you mean?

MANDY: Well, you know you were asking me about your, uh...

BRIAN: My nose?

MANDY: Yes. Well, there's a reason it's... like it is, Brian.

BRIAN: What is it?

MANDY: Well, I suppose I should have told you a long time ago, but...

BRIAN: What?

MANDY: Well, Brian,... your father isn't Mr. Cohen.

BRIAN: I never thought he was.

MANDY: Now, none of your cheek! He was a Roman, Brian. He was a centurion in the Roman army.

BRIAN: You mean... you were raped?

MANDY: Well, at first, yes.

BRIAN: Who was it?

MANDY: Heh. Nortius Maximus his name was. Hmm. Promised me the known world he did. I was to be taken to Rome, House by the Forum. Slaves. Asses' milk. As much gold as I could eat. Then, he, having his way with me had... voom! Like a rat out of an aqueduct.

BRIAN: The bastard!

MANDY: Yeah. So, next time you go on about the 'bloody Romans', don't forget you're one of them.

BRIAN: I'm not a Roman, Mum, and I never will be! I'm a Kike! A Yid! A Hebe! A Hook-nose! I'm Kosher, Mum! I'm a Red Sea Pedestrian, and proud of it!


MANDY: Huh. Sex, sex, sex. That's all they think about, huh? Well, how are you, then, officer?

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