Life of Brian Script
Scene 7: Brian Discovers his Roman Heritage
OFFICER: Good afternoon.
MANDY: Oh, ah. Hello, officer. Ehh. I'll be with you in a few
moments. All right, dear?
BRIAN: What's he doing here?
MANDY: Now, don't start that Brian, and go and clean your room
BRIAN: Bloody Romans.
MANDY: Now, look, Brian. If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't
have all this, and don't you forget it.
BRIAN: We don't owe the Romans anything, Mum.
MANDY: Well, that's not entirely true, is it Brian?
BRIAN: What do you mean?
MANDY: Well, you know you were asking me about your, uh...
BRIAN: My nose?
MANDY: Yes. Well, there's a reason it's... like it is, Brian.
BRIAN: What is it?
MANDY: Well, I suppose I should have told you a long time ago,
MANDY: Well, Brian,... your father isn't Mr. Cohen.
BRIAN: I never thought he was.
MANDY: Now, none of your cheek! He was a Roman, Brian. He was
a centurion in the Roman army.
BRIAN: You mean... you were raped?
MANDY: Well, at first, yes.
BRIAN: Who was it?
MANDY: Heh. Nortius Maximus his name was. Hmm. Promised me the
known world he did. I was to be taken to Rome, House by the Forum.
Slaves. Asses' milk. As much gold as I could eat. Then, he, having his
way with me had... voom! Like a rat out of an aqueduct.
BRIAN: The bastard!
MANDY: Yeah. So, next time you go on about the 'bloody
Romans', don't forget you're one of them.
BRIAN: I'm not a Roman, Mum, and I never will be! I'm a Kike!
A Yid! A Hebe! A Hook-nose! I'm Kosher, Mum! I'm a Red Sea Pedestrian,
and proud of it!
MANDY: Huh. Sex, sex, sex. That's all they think about, huh?
Well, how are you, then, officer?