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Life of Brian ScriptScene 5: Premature EjectionThe sketch:CROWD OF WOMEN: yelling JEWISH OFFICIAL: Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath,... MATTHIAS: Do I say 'yes'? STONE HELPER #1: Yes. MATTHIAS: Yes. OFFICIAL: ...you have been found guilty by the elders of the town of uttering the name of our Lord, and so, as a blasphemer,... CROWD: Ooooh! OFFICIAL: ...you are to be stoned to death. CROWD: Ahh! MATTHIAS: Look. I-- I'd had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was, 'That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah.' CROWD: Oooooh! OFFICIAL: Blasphemy! He's said it again! CROWD: Yes! Yes, he did! He did!... OFFICIAL: Did you hear him?! CROWD: Yes! Yes, we did! We did!... WOMAN #1: Really! silence OFFICIAL: Are there any women here today? CROWD: No. No. No. No... OFFICIAL: Very well. By virtue of the authority vested in me-- CULPRIT WOMAN stones MATTHIAS MATTHIAS: Oww! Lay off! We haven't started yet! OFFICIAL: Come on! Who threw that? Who threw that stone? Come on. CROWD: She did! She did! He did! He! He. He. Him. Him. Him. Him. He did. CULPRIT WOMAN: Sorry. I thought we'd started. OFFICIAL: Go to the back. CULPRIT WOMAN: Oh, dear. OFFICIAL: Always one, isn't there? Now, where were we? MATTHIAS: Look. I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying 'Jehovah'. CROWD: Oooh! He said it again! Oooh!... OFFICIAL: You're only making it worse for yourself! MATTHIAS: Making it worse?! How could it be worse?! Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah! CROWD: Oooooh!... OFFICIAL: I'm warning you. If you say Jehovah once more... MRS. A. stones OFFICIAL Right. Who threw that? MATTHIAS: laughing silence OFFICIAL: Come on. Who threw that? CROWD: She did! It was her! He! He. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him. OFFICIAL: Was it you? MRS. A.: Yes. OFFICIAL: Right! MRS. A.: Well, you did say 'Jehovah'. CROWD: Ah! Ooooh!... CROWD stones MRS. A. OFFICIAL: Stop! Stop, will you?! Stop that! Stop it! Now, look! No one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle! Do you understand?! Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do say 'Jehovah'. CROWD: Ooooooh!... CROWD stones OFFICIAL WOMAN #1: Good shot! clap clap clap
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Life
of Brian Scripts
