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Life of Brian Script

Scene 35: There's a Bright Side?

The sketch:

music

MAN: Oh, no.

BEGGAR: Oof. Bloody Romans!

CENTURION: Watch it! There's still a few crosses left.

PARVUS: Up you go, Big Nose!

MR. BIG NOSE: I'll get you for this, you bastard.

PARVUS: Oh, yeah?

MR. BIG NOSE: Oh, yeah. Don't worry. I never forget a face.

PARVUS: No?

MR. BIG NOSE: I warned you. I'm going to punch you so hard, you Roman git!

PARVUS: Shut up, you Jewish turd!

MR. BIG NOSE: Who are you calling Jewish?! I'm not Jewish! I'm a Samaritan!

GREGORY: A Samaritan? This is supposed to be a Jewish section.

PARVUS: It doesn't matter! You're all going to die in a day or two.

GREGORY: It may not matter to you, Roman, but it certainly matters to us. Doesn't it, darling?

MRS. GREGORY: Oh, rather.

GREGORY: Under the terms of the Roman occupancy, we're entitled to be crucified in a purely Jewish area.

PHARISEE: Pharisees separate from Sadducees.

WELSH MAN: And Swedish separate from Welsh.

VICTIMS: Yeah...

PARVUS: All right! All right! All right! We'll soon settle this! Hands up, all those who don't want to be crucified here.

VICTIMS: Ooh. Oh. Uh. Uh...

PARVUS: Right. Next!

SAINTLY PASSER-BY: Ah, look. It's not my cross.

PARVUS: What?!

SAINTLY PASSER-BY: Um, it's not my cross. I was, ah, holding it for someone. Um--

PARVUS: Just lie down. I haven't got all day.

SAINTLY PASSER-BY: No, of course. Um, look. I hate to make a fuss--

PARVUS: Look.

SAINTLY PASSER-BY: Uhh--

PARVUS: We've had a busy day. There's a hundred and forty of you lot to get up.

GREGORY: Is he Jewish?

PARVUS: Will you be quiet?!

GREGORY: We don't want any more Samaritans around here.

PARVUS: Belt up!

SAINTLY PASSER-BY: Uh, will you let me down if he comes back?

PARVUS: Yeah. Yeah, we'll let you down. Next!

BRIAN: You don't have to do this. You don't have to take orders.

PARVUS: I like orders.

music

MR. CHEEKY: See? Not so bad, once you're up. You being rescued, then? Are you?

BRIAN: It's a bit late for that now, isn't it?

MR. CHEEKY: Oh, now, now. We've got a couple of days up here. Plenty of time. Lots of people get rescued.

BRIAN: Ohh?

MR. CHEEKY: Oh, yeah. My brother usually rescues me, if he can keep off the tail for more than twenty minutes. Huh.

BRIAN: Ahhh?

MR. CHEEKY: Randy little bugger. Up and down like the Assyrian Empire. Heh heh heh heh.

music

Hello. Your family arrived, then?

BRIAN: Reg!

REG: Hello, sibling Brian.

BRIAN: Thank God you've come, Reg.

REG: Ahh, yes. Well, I think I should point out first, Brian, in all fairness, that we are not in fact the rescue committee. However, I have been asked to read the following prepared statement on behalf of the Movement. Uh, 'We, the People's Front of Judea, brackets, officials, end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Brian, on this, the occasion of your martyrdom.'

BRIAN: What?

REG: 'Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parent land from the hands of the Roman Imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture, and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes and hermaphrodites. Signed on behalf of the P.F.J., etcetera.' And I'd just like to add, on a personal note, my own admiration for what you are doing for us, Brian, at what must be, after all, for you, a very difficult time.

BRIAN: Reg! Well, what are you going to do?

REG: Good-bye, Brian, and thanks.

FRANCIS: Well done, Brian. Keep it up, lad.

LORETTA: Terrific work, Brian.

P.F.J.: mumbling

REG: Yeah. Right. And...

P.F.J.: singing For he's a jolly good fellow! For he's a jolly good fellow! For he's a jolly good fellow! And so say all of us!

LORETTA: And so say all of--

clap clap clap

BRIAN: You bastards! You bastards!

CENTURION: Where is Brian of Nazareth?!

BRIAN: You sanctimonious bastards!

CENTURION: I have an order for his release!

BRIAN: You stupid bastards!

MR. CHEEKY: Uh, I'm Brian of Nazareth.

BRIAN: What?!

MR. CHEEKY: Yeah, I-- I-- I'm Brian of Nazareth.

CENTURION: Take him down!

BRIAN: I'm Brian of Nazareth!

VICTIM #1: Eh, I'm Brian!

MR. BIG NOSE: I'm Brian!

VICTIM #2: Look, I'm Brian!

BRIAN: I'm Brian!

VICTIMS: I'm Brian!

GREGORY: I'm Brian, and so's my wife!

VICTIMS: I'm Brian! I'm Brian!...

BRIAN: I'm Brian of Nazareth!

CENTURION: All right. Take him away and release him.

MR. CHEEKY: No, I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian. No, I'm not Brian. I was only-- It was a joke. I'm only pulling your leg! It's a joke! I'm not him! I'm just having you on! Put me back! Bloody Romans! Can't take a joke!

exciting music

WORKER: Huuuh! The Judean People's Front!

PARVUS: The Judean People's Front!

OTTO: Forward all!

WORKERS: Look out! The Judean People's Front! The Judean People's Front!...

OTTO: Ve are the Judean People's Front. Crack suicide squad. Suicide squad! Attack!

drum roll

J.P.F.: Uh! Ugh. Aggh...

OTTO: That showed 'em, huh? Oooh.

whump

BRIAN: You silly sods.

JUDITH: Brian! Brian! Brian! Brian!

BRIAN: Judith!

JUDITH: Terrific! Great! Reg has explained it all to me, and I think it's great what you are doing. sniff Thank you, Brian. I'll-- I'll never forget you.

MANDY: So, there you are! I might have known it would end up like this. To think of all the love and affection I've wasted on you. Well, if that's how you treat your poor old mother in the autumn years of her life, all I can say is, 'Go ahead. Be crucified. See if I care.' I might have known it would...

BRIAN: Mum!

MANDY: ...end up like this. Sex, sex. That's...

BRIAN: Mum!

MANDY: ...all young people are interested in nowadays. I don't know what the world's coming to.

MR. FRISBEE: Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say. Some things in life are bad. They can really make you mad. Other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's gristle, Don't grumble. Give a whistle. And this'll help things turn out for the best. And...

music Always look on the bright side of life. whistling Always look on the light side of life. whistling

If life seems jolly rotten, There's something you've forgotten, And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing. When you're feeling in the dumps, Don't be silly chumps. Just purse your lips and whistle. That's the thing. And...

Always look on the bright side of life.

SEVERAL: whistling

MR. FRISBEE: Come on!

SEVERAL: Always look on the right side of life, whistling

MR. FRISBEE: For life is quite absurd And death's the final word. You must always face the curtain with a bow. Forget about your sin. Give the audience a grin.

EVERYONE: Enjoy it. It's your last chance, anyhow. So,...

Always look on the bright side of death, whistling Just before you draw your terminal breath. whistling

MR. FRISBEE: Life's a piece of shit, When you look at it. Life's a laugh and death's a joke. It's true. You'll see it's all a show. Keep 'em laughing as you go. Just remember that the last laugh is on you. And...

EVERYONE: Always look on the bright side of life. whistling Always look on the right side of life. whistling

MR. FRISBEE: Come on, Brian. Cheer up.

EVERYONE: Always look on the bright side of life! whistling Always look on the bright side of life! whistling

MR. FRISBEE: Worse things happen at sea, you know.

EVERYONE: Always look on the bright side of life!

MR. FRISBEE: I mean, what you got to lose? You know, you come from nothing.

EVERYONE: whistling

MR. FRISBEE: You're going back to nothing. What have you lost? Nothing!

EVERYONE: Always look on the bright side of life! whistling

MR. FRISBEE: Nothing will come from nothing. You know what they say?

EVERYONE: Always look on the bright side of life!

MR. FRISBEE: Cheer up, you old bugger. Come on. Give us a grin. There you are. See?

EVERYONE: whistling

MR. FRISBEE: It's the end of the film. Incidentally, this record's available in the foyer.

EVERYONE: Always look on the bright side of life!

MR. FRISBEE: Some of us have got to live as well, you know.

EVERYONE: whistling

MR. FRISBEE: Who do you think pays for all this rubbish?

EVERYONE: Always look on the bright side of life!

MR. FRISBEE: They'll never make their money back, you know. I told him.

EVERYONE: whistling

MR. FRISBEE: I said to him, 'Bernie.' I said, 'They'll never make their money back.'

EVERYONE: Always look on the bright side of life! whistling

MR. FRISBEE: That should give you enough.

closing credits music

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