Monty Python and The Holy Grail

Scene 8: Why No One Likes The French

[King Arthur music]

[clop clop clop]

ARTHUR: Halt!

[horn]

Hallo!

[pause]

Hallo!

FRENCH GUARD: Allo! Who is eet?

ARTHUR: It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?

FRENCH GUARD: This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard.

ARTHUR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.

FRENCH GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see.

ARTHUR: What?

GALAHAD: He says they've already got one!

ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one?

FRENCH GUARD: Oh, yes. It's very nice-a. (I told him we already got one.)

FRENCH GUARDS: [chuckling]

ARTHUR: Well, u-- um, can we come up and have a look?

FRENCH GUARD: Of course not! You are English types-a!

ARTHUR: Well, what are you, then?

FRENCH GUARD: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king-a?!

GALAHAD: What are you doing in England?

FRENCH GUARD: Mind your own business!

ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!

FRENCH GUARD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!

GALAHAD: What a strange person.

ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man--

FRENCH GUARD: I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

GALAHAD: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?

FRENCH GUARD: No. Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-a!

[sniff]

ARTHUR: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.

FRENCH GUARD: (Fetchez la vache.)

OTHER FRENCH GUARD: Quoi?

FRENCH GUARD: (Fetchez la vache!)

[mooo]

ARTHUR: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--

[twong]

[mooooooo]

Jesus Christ!

KNIGHTS: Christ!

[thud]

Ah! Ohh!...

ARTHUR: Right! Charge!

KNIGHTS: Charge!

[mayhem]

FRENCH GUARD: Hey, this one is for your mother! There you go.

[mayhem]

FRENCH GUARD: And this one's for your dad!

ARTHUR: Run away!

KNIGHTS: Run away!

FRENCH GUARD: Thppppt!

FRENCH GUARDS: [taunting]

LANCELOT: Fiends! I'll tear them apart!

ARTHUR: No, no. No, no.

BEDEVERE: Sir! I have a plan, sir.

Later...

[wind]

[saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw]

[clunk]

[bang]

[rewr!]

[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak]

[rrrr rrrr rrrr]

[drilllll]

[sawwwww]

[clunk]

[crash]

[clang]

[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...]

[creak]

FRENCH GUARDS: [whispering]

C'est un lapin, lapin de bois. Quoi? Un cadeau. What? A present. Oh, un cadeau. Oui, oui. Allons-y. What? Let's go. Oh. On y va. Bon magne. Over here...

[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...]

[clllank]

ARTHUR: What happens now?

BEDEVERE: Well, now, uh, Lancelot, Galahad, and I, uh, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French, uh, by surprise. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!

ARTHUR: Who leaps out?

BEDEVERE: U-- u-- uh, Lancelot, Galahad, and I, uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh, and uh...

ARTHUR: Ohh.

BEDEVERE: Oh. Um, l-- look, i-- i-- if we built this large wooden badger--

[clank]

[twong]

ARTHUR: Run away!

KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!

[CRASH]

FRENCH GUARDS: Oh, haw haw haw haw! Haw! Haw haw heh...

Holy Grail Scripts

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