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Monty Python and The Holy Grail

Scene 18: Shrubbery or Herring? That is the Question

ARTHUR: O Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?

HEAD KNIGHT: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly,... but there is one small problem.

ARTHUR: What is that?

HEAD KNIGHT: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say 'Ni'.

KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Shh!

HEAD KNIGHT: Shh! We are now the Knights Who Say 'Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoop-boing-goodem-zu-owly-zhiv'.

RANDOM: Ni!

HEAD KNIGHT: Therefore, we must give you a test.

ARTHUR: What is this test, O Knights of-- knights who till recently said 'ni'?

HEAD KNIGHT: Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!

[dramatic chord]

ARTHUR: Not another shrubbery!

RANDOM: Ni!

HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.

KNIGHTS OF NI: A path! A path! A path! Ni! Shh! Knights of Ni! Ni! Ni! Shh! Shh!...

HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!

[dramatic chord]

KNIGHTS OF NI: A herring!

ARTHUR: We shall do no such thing!

HEAD KNIGHT: Oh, please!

ARTHUR: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done.

KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!

HEAD KNIGHT: Augh! Ohh! Don't say that word.

ARTHUR: What word?

HEAD KNIGHT: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot hear.

ARTHUR: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?

KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!

HEAD KNIGHT: You said it again!

ARTHUR: What, 'is'?

KNIGHTS OF NI: Agh! No, not 'is'.

HEAD KNIGHT: No, not 'is'. You wouldn't get vary far in life not saying 'is'.

KNIGHTS OF NI: No, not 'is'. Not 'is'.

BEDEVERE: My liege, it's Sir Robin!

MINSTREL: [singing]

He is packing it in and packing it up And sneaking away and buggering up And chickening out and pissing off home, Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge.

ARTHUR: Sir Robin!

ROBIN: My liege! It's good to see you.

HEAD KNIGHT: Now he's said the word!

ARTHUR: Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail?

MINSTREL: [singing] He is sneaking away and buggering up--

ROBIN: Shut up! No, no. No. Far from it.

HEAD KNIGHT: He said the word again!

KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!

ROBIN: I was looking for it.

KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!

ROBIN: Uh, here-- here in this forest.

ARTHUR: No, it is far from this place.

KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!

HEAD KNIGHT: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word! The word...

ARTHUR: Oh, stop it!

HEAD KNIGHT: ...we cannot hear! Ow! He said it again!

ARTHUR: Patsy!

HEAD KNIGHT: Wait! I said it! I said it!

[clop clop clop]

Ooh! I said it again! And there again! That's three 'it's! Ohh!

KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!... Narrative Interlude

NARRATOR: And so, Arthur and Bedevere and Sir Robin set out on their search to find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in scene twenty-four. Beyond the forest, they met Lancelot and Galahad, and there was much rejoicing.

KNIGHTS: Yay! Yay!

[whoosh]

NARRATOR: In the frozen land of Nador, they were forced to eat Robin's minstrels.

MINSTREL: [high-pitched] Get back! Eee!

NARRATOR: And there was much rejoicing.

KNIGHTS: Yay!

NARRATOR: A year passed.

CARTOON CHARACTER: [shivering]

NARRATOR: Winter changed into Spring.

CARTOON CHARACTER: Mmm, nice.

NARRATOR: Spring changed into Summer.

CARTOON CHARACTER: Oh. Ahh.

NARRATOR: Summer changed back into Winter,...

CARTOON CHARACTER: Oh?

NARRATOR: ...and Winter gave Spring and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn.

CARTOON CHARACTER: Aah.

[snap]

Oh! Waa!

NARRATOR: Until one day...

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