(Scene opens in a courtroom: Usual set up with a judge, clerk
of the court and defense counsel sitting in the well of the court.
The defendant is in the witness box. Superimposed caption on screen
: 'CENTRAL CRIMINAL COURT')
Judge: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached
Foreman: (MICHAEL) We have m'lud.
Judge: And how do you find the defendant? (the foreman
puts his hand out with two fingers extended) Two words. (the
foreman nods and holds up one finger) First word. (the
foreman mimes taking a piece of string and tying it in knot)
(The foreman shakes his head and points to the knot.)
(The foreman nods and points to the knot.)
Counsel: Cravat? Silk square?
(The foreman nods enthusiastically.)
(The foreman gives a thumbs up and points to his second
Judge: Second word. (foreman indicates two syllables)
Two syllables. (the foreman points to his first finger) First
syllable. (the foreman starts to mime a fish while pointing at
his throat) Bird?
Judge: Breast stroke.
Counsel: Brian Phelps.
Judge: No, no, no, he was a diver.
Clerk: Esther Williams then.
Judge: No, no, don't be silly. How can you find someone
'Not Esther Williams'.
Counsel: Fish. (the foreman nods and points at throat)
Fish wheeze. Fish wheeze?
Judge: Fish breathe.
Counsel: Fish breathe, throat.
Judge: Fish breathe, throat? GILL! (the foreman gives a
thumbs up and the court applauds excitedly) Not gill. (the
foreman mimes the second syllable) Second syllable. Not gill.
(Foreman mimes drinking a cup of tea.)
Clerk: Sip? Imbibe?
(The foreman points to the mimed cup itself.)
Judge: Not gill ... cup? Not gillcup! (the foreman
looks disappointed) You have been found not gillcup of the
charges made against you and may leave this court a free man. Right.
My turn. (the defendant leaves.)
(The judge holds up four fingers.)
Counsel: Four words.
(The judge mimes shouting for the first word.)
Foreman: First word shout?
(The judge gives a thumbs up and indicates that the second
word is very small.)
Counsel: Second word is very small.
(The judge gives a thumbs up.)
Clerk: Call the, third word:
(The judge points to his neck.)
Member of Jury: Fish?
Clerk: Adam's apple. (the judge shakes his head)
Neck. (the judge mime 'sounds like) Sounds like neck?
Second Counsel: Next.
Foreman: Call the ... next!
(The judge gives a thumbs up and indicates that the fourth
word is three Syllables. First syllable: he mimes deafness.)
Clerk: Fourth word, three syllables. First syllable ...
Counsel: Hear. Can't hear.
Clerk: Deaf!! Call the next def-.
(The judge leaps onto the desk and points at his own bottom.)
Clerk: Seat? Trouser? Cheek?
Foreman: End! Call the next defend-.
(The judge leaps down, disappears under the desk and appears
with an enormous model of an ant about four feet long.)
Whole Court: Ant!
Clerk: Call the next defendant! (the court applauds the
judge who bows and sits; the whole mood changes) Call the next
defendant. The Honorable Mr. Justice Kilbraken. (a very elderly
judge in full robes comes into the dock) If I may charge you
m'lud, you are charged m'lud that on the fourteenth day of June
1970, at the Central Criminal Court, you did commit acts likely to
cause a breach of the peace. How plead you m'lud, guilty or not
Judge Kilbraken: Not guilty. Case not proven. Court
(He hits the dock. Everyone gets up and starts walking out
talking to each other.)
Judge: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. (they all stop, go
back and sit down again) No, you're in the dock, m'lud.
Judge Kilbraken: I'm a judge, m'lud.
Judge: So am I, m'lud, so watch it.
Judge Kilbraken: Hah! Call this a court.
All: Call this a 'court. Call this a court..Call this a
Judge: Shut up. Right now get on with the spiel.
Counsel: M'lud, and my other lud, the prosecution will
Endeavour to show m'lud, that m'lud - ah, not you m'lud, that m'lud,
m'lud, while passing sentence at the Central Criminal Court blotted
his copy book. Call exhibit Q.
Counsel: Sorry did I say Q:? I meant A. Sorry, call
exhibit A. Clerk Call exhibit A.
(Two court ushers carry in a thing with a sheet over it. They
pull off the sheet to reveal a very sexy girl in a provocative
Counsel: Exhibit A m'lud, Miss Rita Thang, an artist's
model, Swedish accordion teacher and cane-chair sales lady, was
found guilty under the Rude Behavior Act in the accused's court. The
accused, m'lud, sentenced her 'to be taken from this place and
brought round to his place'.
Other Counsel: Objection, m'lud.
Judge Kilbraken: Objection sustained.
Judge: You shut up! Objection overruled.
Counsel: The accused then commented on Miss Thang's bodily
structure, made several not-at-all legal remarks on the subject of
fun and then placed his robes over his head and began to emit low
Judge: Have you anything to say in your defense?
Judge Kilbraken: I haven't had any for weeks.
Judge: Oh no? What about that little number you've got
tucked away in Belsize Park?
Judge Kilbraken: Oh, I never!
Judge: Oh no. Ho! Ho! Ho!
Judge Kilbraken: All right then what about 8a Woodford
Judge: You say anything about that and I'll do you for
Counsel: M'lud if we could continue ...
Judge Kilbraken: He's got a Chinese bit there.
Judge: No, that's contempt of court.
Judge Kilbraken: It was only a joke.
Judge: Contempt of court. However, I'm not going to punish
you, because we're so short of judges at the moment, what with all
of them emigrating to South Africa. I'm going tomorrow; I've got my
ticket. Get out there and get some decent sentencing done. Ooh,
England makes you sick. Best I can manage here is life imprisonment.
It's hardly worth coming in in the morning. Now, South Africa?
You've got your cat of nine tails, you've got four death sentences a
week, you've got cheap drinks, slave labour and a booming stock
market. I'm off, I tell you. Yes, I'm up to here with probation and
bleeding psychiatric reports. That's it, I'm off. That's it. Right.
Well I'm going to have one final fling before I leave, so I sentence
you to be burnt at the stake.
Judge Kilbraken: Blimey! I didn't expect the Spanish
(Court reacts expectantly. Cut to suburban house. The three
members of the Spanish Inquisition suddenly belt out of the door and
down the path.)
(Dick Barton music. Cut to them leaping onto a bus.)
Ximinez: Two, er, three to the Old Bailey please.
(Credits start superimposed.)
Biggles: Look they've started the credits.
Ximinez: Hurry. Hurry. Hurry.
Biggles: Come on hurry. Hurryl
(We see shots of them coming through London.)
Ximinez: There's the lighting credit, only five left.
(more shots of the bus going through London; the credits reach the
producer) Hell, it's the producer - quick!
(They leap off the bus into the Old Bailey. Cut to court room.
They burst in.)
Ximinez: Nobody expects the Spanish... ('The End'
appears) Oh bugger!